Random Thoughts from these past few weeks
Eh, this was all written via my iPhone and transferred over to wordpress, forgive any typos/grammatical errors/punctuation errors. I didn’t check for them (not that I ever really do).
I’ve been away for a while; I find myself distracted often by books, music. These two distractions I don’t mind so much… they’re productive and I “live” when I partake in them. Some other distractions, however, are more amusing since they show my utter ineptitude in certain fields. (Let’s just say, laughably pathetic)
Since it’s been a while since I’ve written anything (at least publicly, I’ve become semi-prolific within the realm of my moleskines) allow me the brief repose of my meandering thoughts put on screen for your further clarification of how my mind works (or doesn’t work).
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about two things, “forever” and dreaming.
To the former, I sit and wonder how our concept of forever became so terribly impotent. Actually, I wonder this about every infinite concept, but forever seems to be both out most commonly used and easiest to exemplify our ineptitude with. Forever is the one term that we seem utterly incapable of removing from our vocabulary. We use the term forever, and it’s antonym, never, in an almost laughably frequent way (in fact it would be laughable if it’s over usage wasn’t so tragically causing increasingly precarious levels of insensitivity to the gravity of such a concept).
I am part of an online community known as tumblr, which is comprised mostly of people who fancy themselves artists of some capacity (guilty as charged). A popular bit of typography I see on tumblr has the following phrase:
“You say you’ll love me forever, just warn me when forever starts to end.”
I think this brilliantly captures the crime we commit on an almost daily basis. A crime which I am certainly guilty of myself, having gone further than most in such assertions of eternity, only to realize we both knew forever ended long before we openly acknowledged it. This same notion carries not just in love, but friendship and devotion as well. While I’ve never used the phrase “best friends forever” I have carried those sentiments around for a few years, only to have that particular friendship begin to dissolve (due in no small part to the previous example of forever ending).
On the other hand is the notion of never. I can think of specific things I thought I’d never like or do that I currently love or am doing. Things like wine, poetry, writing, and art, I thought I’d always ignore these, yet I find myself strangely awed, intrigued, and impassioned by these things now. Then, I never thought I’d reach a point where the base belief in god was even a question in my life (ironic side note: I have the name YWHW tattooed on my back) yet here I stand embracing agnosticism and finding comfort in it.
Alas, it seems I have yet to find any notion of forever on which I can solidly grasp. In reality, I’m ok with that; there are only two notions of forever that I wish to grasp: love and friendship. Give me those and take away the world and I’ll be perfectly fine.
Now that I’ve depressed you, allow me to express my hopeful side. I think “forever” (and by forever I mean for the rest of life, and not the purely literal eternity) is innately possible, but requires determination to allow things to continue. Whereas “never” would require determination not to change things IE: “I’ll never forgive him” is a personal determination to never overcome an adversity. So, I fully believe I’ll reach a point with someone where I’m comfortable in stating “forever” again, because I understand now that forever requires far more determination than had been put into things that have ended.
Which moves to the second problem plaguing me lately, my unstoppable desire to dream. I am capable of dreaming crazy things based on but the slightest provocation. I can dream up entire lifetimes in a moment, enjoy the vast grandness of a relationship that doesn’t exist, see bright futures full of hope and beauty even while my present sits dark and despairing. I have what can only be deemed as a limitless capacity for hope. My unending imagination coupled with my innate propensity to hope has caused both a rather amusing comedy of errors and a series of terrifying responses that drive me to ever doubt hope. I find myself reaching the point, nearly every other week, in which I say to (probably my best friend) “I’m done with hope. Hope only screws me over.” These hopeful dreams, they haven’t lead anywhere good so far, in fact, they normally just end up with me getting hurt.
Hopes a fucking scary thing.
Fucking scary.
So that’s where I’m at right now, I’ll restart my talk about god tomorrow.
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