Wrestling with my own Agnosticism (read disclaimers!)
Disclaimer 1:
Beware: If you can’t tolerate strong language (four letter words) then you may want to leave the site now. If you can’t tolerate strong language but still want to understand why I wrestle with agnosticism, take an hour and read as much of this site as you can.
Disclaimer 2:
This was written in a stream of conscious flow of ideas, I don’t intend to have any specific thesis, and I don’t even know if it’s understandable to anyone other than me. These are simply my thoughts spilled out unto the screen. Take it as it is.
Disclaimer 3:
This post will couple with one that will be up on our communal theology site (open table theology) in the next few days.
The actual post:
I believe in God, this much I know. I have, of course, often doubted the existence of God, but I always come back to the belief in a deity that exists outside of myself. I look at the intricate complexities of even the human body, and I cannot help but to see some design beyond comprehension. I think of Aquinas and the argument of infinite regression of causes. I see a glimpse of a God when compassion is displayed. I see God in lots of places.
On my facebook profile, I deem myself an a/thiest. By that term, I mean I am a theist that understands no theistic definition of God is enough to even begin to explain God. I
Yet… I must doubt if God gives a shit. As a Christian, I understand that two thousand years ago a new strand of hope for civilization was born. We had been shown salvation, we had been given salvation. (Salvation from what? That’s a question I’ll explore another day). No longer did we have to believe that violence was our answer, no longer did we have to cling to the futile ways of old.
Yet… violence pervades. Not just from those that don’t have the idea of the Christ, but from those that do. Violence gets justified by those with the idea of the Christ, violence is even claimed as OK by the idea of the Christ. That makes me doubt if anything actually changed two thousand years ago, or if we’re still stuck in that same fucked up pattern we were.
Then we see the unstoppable violence of Nature. How many must die each year to Natures wrath? And we attribute control of Nature to God? So, this God kills how many each year? Couple that with the christian ideal of necessary acceptance of salvation, and you tell me that this God kills all these people then sends them off to hell for eternity? Yeah, fuck that. Tsunamis, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, fires, droughts? All from God? A God we term as love? These two ideals do not match up.
Then, we see how many die each day from preventable causes? Rampant poverty ignored by our rampant wealth. Lack of clean water ignored by our billion dollar bottled water industry. Lack of healthcare for those in our own damned country ignored by those that can afford to collectively spend billions (or is it trillions?) a year on healthcare. And you vote against healthcare for the poor, yet claim to represent God? Fuck you, if you represent God fuck him too. (I’m thinking I may need to turn of comments on this post).
No, there is too much pain in this world to make sense of these evils at the hand of a loving God. Even with all the ideas I mentioned before that show me God, I see more evidence that s/he/it no longer partakes in this world. It seems to me, that he sent the Christ and said “It’s all you guys now, here’s the idea of Spirit, and remember to see me in everyone.” Yet we have said over the years “We have that image of God, not the dirty *insert group here*, lets kill ‘em.”
Did God withdraw?
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